I've been bumming around on Shannon Hale's blog, and got a bonus when I read a whole series of posts written by guest authors on the topic "Stories For All" (raging against gender separation in book lists and recommendations - fascinating and important topic). All of these writers, whether professional authors or booksellers or teachers or librarians, wrote so confidently. I've noticed that a lot in Shannon, and now I saw that trend in each of them. No apologies. No excuses. Politely and respectively putting forward their opinion, but doing it with no reservations.
This is not me. In fact, this is the biggest thing keeping me from being a writer. Or speaking up in conversations. Or having an opposing opinion.
I tend to apologize for myself about a lot of things, both important and unimportant. I'm sorry I'm not classy enough. I'm sorry I'm too classy. I'm sorry that I am "only" a mother and don't have anything extra or interesting on top of that. I'm sorry that I wish for something more and am not satisfied with what being "just" a mother has brought me. I'm sorry for doing too much, too little, being sulky, being happy, dressing up, dressing down, thinking left, thinking right, not knowing enough, knowing too much, being too picky, not having an opinion. You name it, I've apologized for it, either in my head or in a flippant verbal comment.
When I want to write a story inside me, I have all sorts of fears about not saying things the right way or making the right decisions about what happens in the story. I know it's going to make someone unhappy. And even though I'm intelligent enough to know that I can't make everyone happy all the time, that doesn't keep my spirit from wanting to.
Plus, I'm comfortably wrapped up in an image of me, and writing down on paper words that have only existed in my head and heart is like yanking off that blanket and letting people see me in spandex. (Not naked, not quite. There's always more they don't see.) (And spandex is bad enough. There's a reason I don't wear spandex.)
I think this is why the only times I give myself permission to write is when I write for no one but me to see. There are times when a story has been in my head long enough that I get too achy and itchy and I have to spill some of it out of me. But even then, I notice myself writing cautiously, my thoughts occasionally flitting to an outside perspective on my piece. *sigh* That's exhausting.
I wonder how to overcome this kind of problem. The me yet to be is brave and unafraid of critique because I know every piece is critiqued, no matter how good or bad. Writing, speaking, living should all be done just for the joy of it, not for the observation of others. How sad I'd be to let a dozen dreams die without seeing light just because I acted out of fear, not joy. I want to seek joy.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
Reacting to Loved Ones
Last night at book group, someone shared this quote related to Atticus' ability to brush off the anger and hatred he was recipient to when he took on Tom Robinson's trial.
"If you are willing to look at another person's behaviour toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all." - Yogi Bhajan
As she read that, I realized this quote applies to me, but in the reverse. They way I act towards others isn't a reflection of their value or even how I feel about their behaviors. It is a reflection on how I feel about myself. This is especially visible in my relationships with my daughters and my husband. When my daughters do a small irritable thing or make a small infraction on the rules and I blow up...I'm actually just frustrated with myself and taking it out on them. On days that disaster can strike and I take it in stride, still dishing out love and patiently working through the problem, it's because I'm at peace with myself and can therefore reach outside of myself. I still have something left to give. When my husband offers me love and I'm just not feeling open to it, it's not because I'm feeling unsatisfied with him -- it's because I'm unsatisfied with myself!
The connection to this principle was so strong last night that the pain of this reality in my life was sort of hard to deal with. I feel a lot of pain and regret that I can put down those I love most because I don't quite love myself. When I think of the sweet faces of my girls or the incredible capacity for love of my husband, there is no room for anything but love in return.
So failing to love myself and be at peace in my own body isn't just a problem that affects me. This affects my whole family. If I was able to heal that somehow, love myself more somehow, it would have an incredible impact on our whole home. (And outside the home -- I haven't even started thinking about how this pops up in my relationships with others.) I'm realizing again and again how much I, as a mother and wife, am the hub of our home. It's that way whether I like it or not or choose it or not. And if the hub is unhappy, it trickles out to the rest of the circle.
So action item? How do I improve this? Here's what immediately comes to mind.
Be better about prayer. God knows me far better than I even know myself, and guess what? He is crazy about me. He loves me so, so much. If I can see what He sees, I can love myself like that, too.
Take time to meditate on self-love. Take time to talk to myself.
Watch my internal dialogue. When I start thinking negatively about what I'm doing or not doing, put it in perspective and remind myself of the good that's there, too.
Take time to realize what's really important in my life and let the rest come and go as it naturally will. I can stop feeling like I have to have all the balls in the air at all times.
Keep doing what I know makes me feel so good and alive - getting up and working out, eating real food from the earth, getting out and seeing people, and taking time to do what I love.
Find and pursue passions so that I don't feel like I'm just here to make sure everyone else's life work out. If I feel fulfilled and excited about things, I don't feel it such a burden to make that possible for others.
Wow! Even just in two or three minutes, I was able to come up with a variety of strong options for working on this problem. So what to do today?
Today Maddie has no school, which means I'm with her and Claire all day. I plan to take them on an outing, which could mean a lot of whining about the long drive (even though it isn't) and a feeling in myself that we should clean the whole house before setting off on our fun. It can also become a day where I am subjected to their whims and fancies all day, which is hard for a girl who likes to plan things out. Maybe I can find a balance in focusing on seeing their faces and emotions rather than the objects and things in our house. I can also find balance by spending time with them in the morning, then making time for myself this afternoon as I have them play with neighbors or watch a movie. These two goals feel right for today. They can help me have a better day.
I don't want my own reactions to myself to get in the way of my relationships with my family. I want to work on loving myself more completely, being kind to myself, and having reality checks about what is important. Just imagining how that could impact the feeling in our home and family makes me feel excited!
See? The discovery of this quote and the subsequent change in my life is another reason attending book group is so, so good. :)
"If you are willing to look at another person's behaviour toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all." - Yogi Bhajan
As she read that, I realized this quote applies to me, but in the reverse. They way I act towards others isn't a reflection of their value or even how I feel about their behaviors. It is a reflection on how I feel about myself. This is especially visible in my relationships with my daughters and my husband. When my daughters do a small irritable thing or make a small infraction on the rules and I blow up...I'm actually just frustrated with myself and taking it out on them. On days that disaster can strike and I take it in stride, still dishing out love and patiently working through the problem, it's because I'm at peace with myself and can therefore reach outside of myself. I still have something left to give. When my husband offers me love and I'm just not feeling open to it, it's not because I'm feeling unsatisfied with him -- it's because I'm unsatisfied with myself!
The connection to this principle was so strong last night that the pain of this reality in my life was sort of hard to deal with. I feel a lot of pain and regret that I can put down those I love most because I don't quite love myself. When I think of the sweet faces of my girls or the incredible capacity for love of my husband, there is no room for anything but love in return.
So failing to love myself and be at peace in my own body isn't just a problem that affects me. This affects my whole family. If I was able to heal that somehow, love myself more somehow, it would have an incredible impact on our whole home. (And outside the home -- I haven't even started thinking about how this pops up in my relationships with others.) I'm realizing again and again how much I, as a mother and wife, am the hub of our home. It's that way whether I like it or not or choose it or not. And if the hub is unhappy, it trickles out to the rest of the circle.
So action item? How do I improve this? Here's what immediately comes to mind.
Be better about prayer. God knows me far better than I even know myself, and guess what? He is crazy about me. He loves me so, so much. If I can see what He sees, I can love myself like that, too.
Take time to meditate on self-love. Take time to talk to myself.
Watch my internal dialogue. When I start thinking negatively about what I'm doing or not doing, put it in perspective and remind myself of the good that's there, too.
Take time to realize what's really important in my life and let the rest come and go as it naturally will. I can stop feeling like I have to have all the balls in the air at all times.
Keep doing what I know makes me feel so good and alive - getting up and working out, eating real food from the earth, getting out and seeing people, and taking time to do what I love.
Find and pursue passions so that I don't feel like I'm just here to make sure everyone else's life work out. If I feel fulfilled and excited about things, I don't feel it such a burden to make that possible for others.
Wow! Even just in two or three minutes, I was able to come up with a variety of strong options for working on this problem. So what to do today?
Today Maddie has no school, which means I'm with her and Claire all day. I plan to take them on an outing, which could mean a lot of whining about the long drive (even though it isn't) and a feeling in myself that we should clean the whole house before setting off on our fun. It can also become a day where I am subjected to their whims and fancies all day, which is hard for a girl who likes to plan things out. Maybe I can find a balance in focusing on seeing their faces and emotions rather than the objects and things in our house. I can also find balance by spending time with them in the morning, then making time for myself this afternoon as I have them play with neighbors or watch a movie. These two goals feel right for today. They can help me have a better day.
I don't want my own reactions to myself to get in the way of my relationships with my family. I want to work on loving myself more completely, being kind to myself, and having reality checks about what is important. Just imagining how that could impact the feeling in our home and family makes me feel excited!
See? The discovery of this quote and the subsequent change in my life is another reason attending book group is so, so good. :)
Thursday, October 22, 2015
On Coming Home From Book Group
Dear Me,
Remember last night, how you cried out of loneliness? Remember how you left one social function feeling like you really tried to make friends but came away feeling like you hadn't connected with anyone? Remember how you wondered how you'd ever make friends in this new neighborhood because it's been so long since you've had to start over that you don't remember how to begin?
I think you just needed to go to book group tonight.
There is something wonderful about getting together with other people (especially women) who love books as much as you do. They're a rare and wonderful breed, them.
Tonight's discussion was on To Kill A Mockingbird, which in and of itself was amazing, but then inevitably turned into discussions of...more. Remember dreaming of having these kind of deeper conversations with other adults, involving sharing of personal experiences and opinions and finding you have so much in common with people as a result? Well, your dream woke up, put on pants, and walked all around the kitchen tonight in that circle of eight or ten women. You could have never imagined walking into there that people would just end up purely and naturally connecting the conversation to their own experiences with losing their temper or the pain of regret or their struggle with perceptions of things. One neighbor let you hold and put to sleep her newborn baby, and you held her and rocked her for three hours. (Heaven!) Another told you something she appreciated about you. (How did she even notice?) Another felt the exact same way about the beauty of a certain line from the book. (Atticus wanting Jem to learn courage from Mrs. Dubose.)
So remember tonight, because if you remember tonight you'll remember that these ladies wouldn't think twice if you initiated a friendship or came to them with a need. They would welcome a random visit wanting to hold a baby or have a conversation or see another adult face for an hour or two. You don't have to be alone, and you don't have to be afraid of people not liking the real you when they actually see you. Because they are just like you -- they just proved it, and walked it around for everyone to see, comfortable in their own skin. You can be like that, too. You can let yourself fall open, and you'll be caught up in these arms.
You don't have to be alone. You're going to be okay. You gotta go give, and you gotta receive. But maybe most of all you have to be real and just open up.
Thank heavens for a good book group.
Remember last night, how you cried out of loneliness? Remember how you left one social function feeling like you really tried to make friends but came away feeling like you hadn't connected with anyone? Remember how you wondered how you'd ever make friends in this new neighborhood because it's been so long since you've had to start over that you don't remember how to begin?
I think you just needed to go to book group tonight.
There is something wonderful about getting together with other people (especially women) who love books as much as you do. They're a rare and wonderful breed, them.
Tonight's discussion was on To Kill A Mockingbird, which in and of itself was amazing, but then inevitably turned into discussions of...more. Remember dreaming of having these kind of deeper conversations with other adults, involving sharing of personal experiences and opinions and finding you have so much in common with people as a result? Well, your dream woke up, put on pants, and walked all around the kitchen tonight in that circle of eight or ten women. You could have never imagined walking into there that people would just end up purely and naturally connecting the conversation to their own experiences with losing their temper or the pain of regret or their struggle with perceptions of things. One neighbor let you hold and put to sleep her newborn baby, and you held her and rocked her for three hours. (Heaven!) Another told you something she appreciated about you. (How did she even notice?) Another felt the exact same way about the beauty of a certain line from the book. (Atticus wanting Jem to learn courage from Mrs. Dubose.)
So remember tonight, because if you remember tonight you'll remember that these ladies wouldn't think twice if you initiated a friendship or came to them with a need. They would welcome a random visit wanting to hold a baby or have a conversation or see another adult face for an hour or two. You don't have to be alone, and you don't have to be afraid of people not liking the real you when they actually see you. Because they are just like you -- they just proved it, and walked it around for everyone to see, comfortable in their own skin. You can be like that, too. You can let yourself fall open, and you'll be caught up in these arms.
You don't have to be alone. You're going to be okay. You gotta go give, and you gotta receive. But maybe most of all you have to be real and just open up.
Thank heavens for a good book group.
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