Last night at book group, someone shared this quote related to Atticus' ability to brush off the anger and hatred he was recipient to when he took on Tom Robinson's trial.
"If you are willing to look at another person's behaviour toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all." - Yogi Bhajan
As she read that, I realized this quote applies to me, but in the reverse. They way I act towards others isn't a reflection of their value or even how I feel about their behaviors. It is a reflection on how I feel about myself. This is especially visible in my relationships with my daughters and my husband. When my daughters do a small irritable thing or make a small infraction on the rules and I blow up...I'm actually just frustrated with myself and taking it out on them. On days that disaster can strike and I take it in stride, still dishing out love and patiently working through the problem, it's because I'm at peace with myself and can therefore reach outside of myself. I still have something left to give. When my husband offers me love and I'm just not feeling open to it, it's not because I'm feeling unsatisfied with him -- it's because I'm unsatisfied with myself!
The connection to this principle was so strong last night that the pain of this reality in my life was sort of hard to deal with. I feel a lot of pain and regret that I can put down those I love most because I don't quite love myself. When I think of the sweet faces of my girls or the incredible capacity for love of my husband, there is no room for anything but love in return.
So failing to love myself and be at peace in my own body isn't just a problem that affects me. This affects my whole family. If I was able to heal that somehow, love myself more somehow, it would have an incredible impact on our whole home. (And outside the home -- I haven't even started thinking about how this pops up in my relationships with others.) I'm realizing again and again how much I, as a mother and wife, am the hub of our home. It's that way whether I like it or not or choose it or not. And if the hub is unhappy, it trickles out to the rest of the circle.
So action item? How do I improve this? Here's what immediately comes to mind.
Be better about prayer. God knows me far better than I even know myself, and guess what? He is crazy about me. He loves me so, so much. If I can see what He sees, I can love myself like that, too.
Take time to meditate on self-love. Take time to talk to myself.
Watch my internal dialogue. When I start thinking negatively about what I'm doing or not doing, put it in perspective and remind myself of the good that's there, too.
Take time to realize what's really important in my life and let the rest come and go as it naturally will. I can stop feeling like I have to have all the balls in the air at all times.
Keep doing what I know makes me feel so good and alive - getting up and working out, eating real food from the earth, getting out and seeing people, and taking time to do what I love.
Find and pursue passions so that I don't feel like I'm just here to make sure everyone else's life work out. If I feel fulfilled and excited about things, I don't feel it such a burden to make that possible for others.
Wow! Even just in two or three minutes, I was able to come up with a variety of strong options for working on this problem. So what to do today?
Today Maddie has no school, which means I'm with her and Claire all day. I plan to take them on an outing, which could mean a lot of whining about the long drive (even though it isn't) and a feeling in myself that we should clean the whole house before setting off on our fun. It can also become a day where I am subjected to their whims and fancies all day, which is hard for a girl who likes to plan things out. Maybe I can find a balance in focusing on seeing their faces and emotions rather than the objects and things in our house. I can also find balance by spending time with them in the morning, then making time for myself this afternoon as I have them play with neighbors or watch a movie. These two goals feel right for today. They can help me have a better day.
I don't want my own reactions to myself to get in the way of my relationships with my family. I want to work on loving myself more completely, being kind to myself, and having reality checks about what is important. Just imagining how that could impact the feeling in our home and family makes me feel excited!
See? The discovery of this quote and the subsequent change in my life is another reason attending book group is so, so good. :)
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